The double life sucks. It sucks your energy, it sucks your confidence, it sucks your joy. In high school, I lived the double life every single day. I was Jesus-Loving Jordan every Sunday and Wednesday but other than that I was someone else. I was empty.
I was empty because most of the time I was striving for unfulfilling goals, toxic friendships, and broken expectations that everyone else was setting for me. When I attending church throughout the week, instead of being filled up I was being drained. And pretending to be someone that you’re not is absolutely exhausting. I assumed that because I was reading my Bible, attending church, and praying that I was doing fine. But the area in my life that exposed how broken I truly felt, was my prayer life.
Talking to God should be like coming home. Familiar, friendly, warm. You have a spot just to throw everything down as soon as you get there (that is home to me). Talking to God at this point in my life was a struggle. I was going through the motions more than I was genuinely talking with God. When you’re praying but only saying some things, God still knows that you’re avoiding others. He does not only hear the things that we say out loud. Just because we throw our mess under the rug does not mean it disappears forever. It all comes out eventually and it is messy and awkward and it hurts. God doesn’t want that pain in our lives and did not create that for us. The devil is constantly working to steal our joy. Satan wants us to hide our problems instead of being real about them. When you get caught up in your sin and it comes back to knock you over, it is easy to blame everyone but yourself. But it knocked you down because you tried to shove it under the rug.
But when we do fall down, God does not let us sit there in pain. Our God does not rejoice in our sufferings. He reaches out, picks us back up, and says “go and sin no more.” He loves us in that and through that.
I firmly believe that even now I struggle with my double life. I read my Bible each morning one week and let it collect dust the next. Or I talk about God’s love one moment and lash out to Tucker the next. We all have a double life in one area or another, but we don’t have to let it rule us. We can pray genuinely and say “God, this is what I did.” You don’t beat around the bush and just say you struggle with temptation like always. You get to the root of the issue and say “I struggle with the fact that I hook up with people all the time and I’m afraid that you’re angry with me.” You don’t say “God I want to have a better relationship with my parents.” You say “God I want to stop lying, deceiving, and taking advantage of my parents’ kindness and grow closer to them.” You get to the root of the issue because most of the time the issue is on us. It’s not your friend, or your mom, or your past. The issue is you not being real with yourself or with God. God literally created you, if there is anyone you should be able to be real with, it’s him.
When I was finally able to talk to someone about the real issue, that is when I saw a change. I told someone who I trusted what was really going on and said that I was not content with living in that sin anymore. Your desire to live in Christ needs to be bigger than your contentment with sitting in your sin. And it is not an easy task to begin, but even after a few months, I could see the way God was shaping my heart differently and aligning my desires with His.
If you’re living the double life right now in a big or even a small way, God still loves you. He is still pursuing us even when we are half-heartedly pursuing Him. If you want to break from your sin and pain that you try to hide, tell God. Tell the truth and say you’re done. You’re done with the pain of the past you, you’re done with the self-resentment, you’re done avoiding the real issue. You’re ready to fully surrender and throw away that sin weighing you down. Tell someone you trust what you’re struggling with and have them pray over you. Don’t ask them to pray for you, ask them to do it right then right there. There is so much power in prayer it is crazy.
We don’t ask for bits and pieces of God’s love so why only give God parts of our hearts?
As always if you have any prayer requests, questions, or comments feel free to shoot me an email. And if you ever need someone to talk to or get coffee with please let me know!