I hurt. A lot. It hurts to get out of bed and do life right now. I can’t put on a fake smile and hide it. I can’t write a happy blog post about how wonderful the world is today because I can’t see it. I am trying to stay positive and rely on God but it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I don’t understand what God is doing in my life right now. It is easy to say God is good all the time when things are going good. But right now my life feels like it’s falling out from under my feet. I feel like people don’t care about me. I know these are lies that Satan is trying to deceive me with, but I still hear them. I feel like life is Mike Tyson and I’m just a punching bag. Everytime I think it’s going to stop I just swing back around and get punched in the gut again. I feel like God is giving me way more than I can handle right now. And I don’t think I am alone in this. I’m sure everyone has felt like this at some point in their life. And if you haven’t, you’ve got a big storm coming. Maybe there are going to be days when it feels like God is the only friend you have. People give up on you, but God never will. I don’t know what to say or even what to pray right now. I am begging that God gives me the boldness to lean on Him and continue. God needs to be what motivates me out of bed in the morning. Because life right now does not even encourage me to even turn off my alarm.
I know that sounds intense but I have to be honest. Thank you for reading this far. I know that was kinda harsh but that is what my life has felt like for awhile. And I feel like I can be honest about how I feel on here because I know someone reading this might feel the same way. I promise the depressing part of this post is done.
The reality is that life is hard and not everyone you meet will love you. Jesus said it Himself in Matthew 10:22! I don’t know what tomorrow looks like. I don’t know what is going to get added or taken off of my plate. I don’t know what God is doing and frankly, I am not too happy with Him right now. And I have learned that feeling like this is okay. But the strangest thing out of all of this pain is that I still love God immensely.
Remember when I said I thought God was giving me way more than I could handle? That is irrelevant because I am only creation. My God is THE CREATOR. He is the God that created the heavens and the earth in Genesis chapter one. He is the God that protected Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the fiery furnace and kept them completely safe. He is the God that sent His only son to die on a cross and conquer death once and for all. And this is only a glimpse into His power. And if you want to learn more you should definitely check out this little thing called the Bible (it is the most valuable thing that this world affords).
So yes, I am broken. And I am at the end of my rope. I do have more on my plate than I can handle. But that is not even close to what God can handle. And He isn’t allowing this pain to hurt me without reason. I may feel abandoned and alone. But I have the Spirit of the Living God within me. While I only see myself as a walking mistake, I will remain confident that He has a purpose for me. And God has a purpose for you too. I am in the refining process right now and that includes some burns.
In case you don’t know.. refining gold involves removing impurities that remain after other processes have already been done. So in a strange way, I contain gold but still am working out the impurities. And to work out the impurities, chemicals and other stuff are added to molten metal. This is the process that helps separate the pure gold from the other less precious metals. And I think this is what God is doing in my life right now.
He is adding things that help separate the impurities. And I guess some of that “borax and soda ash” He added into my heart has hurt a little bit. He is removing the bad stuff and as my mom once said: “it might sting a little!” And it is not without reason. God calls us to be Holy. He is taking the impure thoughts/actions/ideas aka “less precious metals” or “sin” out of my heart. And showing me His PURE and HOLY ways.
So if you are mad or confused or terrified of what is happening in your life right now, you are not alone. Faith is hard. And maybe you don’t know why you feel overwhelmed. Or maybe it seems as if God isn’t listening. I can assure you that He is. He is working. God moves in the unseen. He is refining your heart and you need to be bold and trusting of Him. I have come to realize that I am not even close to being perfect and I still sin and it catches up to me. And my heart isn’t where it is supposed to be. But God is moving. God is refining me and making me Holy. I love Him even when I don’t get Him. And if you’re reading this and you feel discouraged, just know that He has a plan for you too.