Choosing Joy (Over my Anxiety)

A lot of you may not know that I struggle with anxiety. Not like I am afraid to talk to you anxiety but stress. One little thing combined with another little thing can quickly become a catastrophic armageddon in the mind of Jordan. This sometimes results in me biting my nails, driving too fast, crying in public, finding it hard to catch my breath, or just plain overthinking. Today was hard.

Somedays I feel amazing and on top of the world. Somedays I know that Jesus loves me and ultimately that is the only thing that matters. Other days it is much more challenging. For example  March 23rd, 2017.

6:00 – Wake up. Oh no! I’m late, but it’s okay I can get ready fast enough. What do I wear? What will they think? You’re a wreck. You look ugly.

6:35 – Clock-in LATE what else could go wrong?

8:30 – Forget to scoop the foam off of that woman’s Cascara Latte. I’m a failure.

11:30 – Clock out. Time to get lunch. Oh wait I have to make it at home quickly or I’m going to be late for work AGAIN.

12:40 – Tucker wants this kind of juice. They are out. Will he be upset if I bring him the other one? UGH this is why you should have gone to the other store. Are you dumb?

1:30 – Meetings. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. It’s just constructive criticism! No it is not. You are bad at your job. You shouldn’t even be here.

2:15 – Time to walk through the office and pretend to be on my phone so no one can see the tears welling up  behind my puffy red cheeks. Time to go cry in the bathroom. But wait the next meeting already started! I need to go now or I’m going to miss something. Way to go! They’re all going to know you’ve been crying in the bathroom.

4:30 – Get in unnecessary argument. It’s all your fault. You’re always the problem. 

5:00 – Tucker brings burgers over. Wait when was the last time you went to the gym? Wasn’t that last week? Nice cellulite.

6:00 – Starts on homework due at midnight. Wow you are this behind? How did this happen? How are you going to finish this? Do you really think you can pass this class? Just like you succeeded at GCU?

6:40 –Everyone can see you’re stressing out. Tucker finished his homework. Why didn’t you? What are you going to do? Cry again? Everyone can see you.

7:00 – Tucker is taking me home because I need to rest.

8:00 – Wow you could’ve finished your homework by now but you quit. You gave up AGAIN.

8:15 – Don’t you still have to shower? Hopefully your hair dries fast enough tonight or it will be crinkly and ugly again tomorrow. If it doesn’t dry you’re going to be late again. Then everyone is going to be upset with you.

8:45 – Wow. Still not in bed?

9:15- Are you ready to do this all again tomorrow?

 

This is how Satan gets in my brain. He pries his way in until I let him in. A few months ago I had to meet with my pastor and tell him what was going on. All the nightmares and weird thoughts and ideas. He told me that what I was hearing wasn’t me. Satan does everything he can to manipulate us. He can warp even the best things and tear us apart from the inside out. It sounds scary but it is real. But we are not alone. I can decide whether I open the door or deadbolt it.

If you look throughout the day you can see me let him control my thoughts. As the day went by they were not my own. Instead of letting these lies wreak havoc on my day I could’ve found joy. Finding joy in adversity? Yes. I could’ve found Jesus during these struggles but I didn’t. Now imagine my day like this:

6:00 – Wake up. Oh no! I’m late, but it’s okay I can get ready fast enough. You’ve got this!

6:35 – Clock-in LATE. Let’s put on a positive attitude to make up for it.

8:30 – Forget to scoop the foam off of that woman’s Cascara Latte. I am human.

11:30 – Clock out. Time to get lunch. Let’s cook it quickly and get ready to work!

12:40 – Tucker wants this kind of juice. They are out. He Loves like Jesus. He will completely understand.

1:30 – Meetings. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I am not. I am serving Jesus and He is with me even when things aren’t going my way. He LOVES me more than anything. 

2:15 – More meetings.

4:30 –

5:00 – Tucker brings burgers over. He must really love me.

6:00 – Starts on homework due at midnight.  I need to work as hard as I can to get this done on time! 

6:40 – GOOD JOB.

7:00 – Tucker is taking me home because I need to rest.

8:00 –

8:15 – Get in the shower so you can go to bed and enjoy some rest!

8:45 –

9:15- Ready to do this again tomorrow?

Look how different my day was when I chose Jesus over the lies that Satan put in my head! It’s not always easy to stay positive but I know I am a Daughter of the King even when I struggle. I am His. Jesus loves me through all of that. He loves me with my anxiety. He loves ME. Not just the girl who works at a church, me. The one who has a lot of stress, gets frustrated, yells at people, does stupid stuff, wakes up late, and doesn’t get everything on the first try. Jesus not only loves me for who I am but also for who He is making me to be. And maybe this anxiety is part of all that. Maybe one day it will all make sense or maybe one day he’ll tell me. Maybe one day I can help someone else through their anxiety or stress! I don’t know everything God has planned and that is okay. I do know that tomorrow I am going to choose joy.

Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

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